Turns out, that old lady used to be Kate Winslet, and one time she rode a big boat named Titanic. But she wasn’t too happy about it! “It was the ship of dreams to everyone else,” she says. “To me it was a slave ship, taking me back to America in chains.” Yes. Because imprisonment, rape, and unpaid forced labor are just like having to marry Billy Zane and live in a fur-lined bon-bon palace for-literally-ever…
After dinner, Leonardo says, “Time for me to go row with the other slaves!” Again with the slave thing. YOU GUYS ARE HELLA NOT SLAVES. PLEASE READ A BOOK.
“I Re-Watched Titanic So You Don’t Have To. You’re Welcome.” by Lindy West on Jezebel.
This is the best review of Titanic that will ever be written. Not only for the excerpt above, but for lines like these:
- “Here’s the thing about Titanic, and the reason 15-year-old girls love it so much: James Cameron is a 15-year-old girl. All of the characters are either 15-year-old girls in disguise (‘Parents just don’t understand!’ ‘Waaah, make the boat go faster!’ ‘I know we literally met 20 minutes ago, but I love you with a suicidal fervor!’), or the kind of goofy caricatures that 15-year-old girls would write if we let 15-year-old girls write our blockbuster screenplays. It’s She’s All That on a Boat, only with Kate Winslet as Freddie Prinze Jr., Leonardo DiCaprio as that girl who isn’t famous anymore, and also everyone freezes to death in the north Atlantic at the end.
- “In an act of defiance, Kate Winslet sneaks downstairs to party with the simple folk. And look who’s down there dancing a jig! ‘Aaaaaaaay! It’s-a me, Fabrizio!’ Fabrizio treats everybody to all-you-can-eat breadsticks and then invents the mafia.”
- “Finally, even though she knew Bill Paxton was searching for the necklace, and he hella patiently listened to her stupid story (it’s like she writes erotic fan fiction about herself), that old lady just goes and drops it into the ocean at the end!!! Like, seriously, old lady? First of all, you’re a dick.”
- “Then, to wrap things up, there’s a dream sequence where the ghosts of Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio walk down the Titanic’s grand staircase and everyone on earth applauds for no reason. You know who are the only people that think the world owes them a round of applause? Fifteen-year-old girls and billionaire directors who own submarines. I rest my case.”
I don’t feel strongly about this movie one way or the other, but this was a hella funny review.
This was my favourite part:
Titanic is three hours and 14 minutes long, which—fun fact—is longer than the actual journey of the Titanic. It is sooooo ballsy to just assume people will watch your movie for three hours and 14 minutes! Especially when everyone already knows exactly what happens in the end (spoiler: the boat is Keyser Söze). Sorry, Epcot Center, I’mma let you finish, but James Cameron’s balls are like the giantest balls of all time. It would take three hours and 14 minutes just to walk around the circumference of James Cameron’s balls.